Led Zeppelin to record new version of Stairway To Heaven with ‘better lyrics’
Robert Plant has announced that he has re-written the lyrics for one of Led Zeppelin’s best-known songs, and the new version will be released sometime in 2026.
‘The lyrics in the original are a bit rubbish really’, said Plant in a press conference yesterday.
‘All that stuff about maidens and pipers, I mean, come on – I was off my head. I don’t even know what a bustle is!’
Plant claims that his new version is ‘much better’, and that he’s been influenced by music he’s been listening to recently, like Olivia Rodrigo and Lizzo.
Queen’s John Deacon tells Roger Taylor to 'give it a rest'
Queen's reclusive bass-play John Deacon broke cover from years of seclusion yesterday to write in about Roger Taylor’s latest album ‘Outsider’.
‘I just want to say, Roger, I listened to your new album, and it’s complete pants’, wrote Deacon.
‘It’s even worse than all of Brian’s solo albums, and that’s saying something. You sound like an out-of-touch millionaire trying to be sincere, and it stinks like last week’s fish. Freddie died some time ago, and I’d appreciate it if you could just leave the Queen legacy as it is, rather than going round the world with that bloke from X Factor.’
Sonic Youth to reform for MTV Unplugged performance
Sonic Youth will reform for a special acoustic performance in June 2026, to be filmed for MTV Unplugged.
The setlist is likely to include fan favourites like ‘Teenage Riot’ and ‘Expressway To Yr Skull’.
‘We feel that we can bring some of the melodies to the fore by using acoustic instruments’ said guitarist Lee Ranaldo.
Asked if the reunion was a bit of a surprise considering the acrimonious split between Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon, Ranaldo replied 'Nah, it should be alright, they'll be on different sides of the stage to each other. I mean, think of Oasis and the Ramones - there are plenty of bands who can't stand each other but manage to play shows. Besides, we're skint. I haven’t had a holiday for years man. This gig will pay for me to go to Disneyland with the kids.’
Adam Clayton autobiography - 'not just about playing bass and shagging'
Discussing his upcoming autobiography 'Out Of Control - My Life In U2', Adam Clayton has praised the work of his ghost-writer Anthony Bozza.
Clayton says his book is a personal response to Bono's autobiography 'Surrender', in which the singer discusses his faith, his inspiration, his family, and his campaign work to fight poverty in the developing world. After reading 'Surrender', Clayton wrote a brief synopsis for his own book on a bit of paper, which has recently been discovered and posted online. 'I'm Adam. I play bass. I quite like shagging. Er.. Anthony, can you fill in the rest?'
Quizzed if he had contributed anything else to the book, Adam said 'Look, I just play bass, I'm not a writer - I'll leave it to Anthony to do the words'.
Taylor Swift 'doesn't exist', claims Kentucky man.
‘Everyone seems to think Taylor Swift is real. They’re wrong. She doesn’t exist.’
These are the extraordinary claims of Bob Voomf, a college student in Bowling Green, Kentucky. ‘I was reading about Artificial Intelligence’, explains Mr Voomf, ‘and it struck me – I’ve never met anyone who has actually seen Taylor Swift in person. It’s ... Elon Musk and those guys – they’ve, like, invented this perfect pop star, and everyone’s buying into it. It’s time they opened their eyes, man!’
When our reporter asked Mr Voomf if he had any evidence for his extraordinary claim, Mr Voomf said ‘Well, I dunno, it could be true right? I mean, who knows? Hey let’s leave it there, I’m kinda hungry and tired now.’
The Smiths announce release of 'lost album'
Johnny Marr and Morrissey held a press conference in Los Angeles yesterday to announce the release of ‘a lost Smiths album’. The songs were all originally recorded in the second half of 1986 and early 1987.
‘Angels On The Picket Line’ will be released by Warners Music, with cover art featuring a still of Rita Tushingham from ‘The Leather Boys’ (1963).
Previously unheard songs include ‘Why Did You Think You Were Right When You Were Wrong’, ‘September In A Muddle’ and ‘Orgy Under Asda’. ‘That was one of our greatest works in my opinion’, said Morrissey, ‘but that irritating twerp Geoff Travis said the lawyers wouldn’t allow it. We’re delighted it can now be heard in its full glory.’
Drummer Mike Joyce, asked to comment on the news, replied 'Is this true? No-one tells me anything. This better not be a wind-up. I'm going to see my lawyer about this.'
More made-up stories to follow.
